Heartbreak Warfare

There comes a time when you begin to understand that the only sensible thing left to do is leave. I thought I had made that realization months ago, but I never really paid for the loss, because although I didn't see it then, in my heart I knew that it wasn't really over, not this time.

Now, I'm paying for it dearly. I never thought I'd feel like this again. The worst part is the unpredictable cycle of numbness and pain - I'd  like to think I prefer one over the other, but to be honest, it's hard to bear either.

All my careful stitching made over the years, patching up old wounds, thought to be healed over, nothing but pale pink scars, are now bursting at the seams as my poor heart aches for something, someone, that I will never be able to call mine again. I used to chuckle at those who claimed to be heartbroken, thinking to myself, what a ridiculous thing to say - You're heart cannot break without resulting in your death, in fact, love and loss have very little affect on the heart, the pain and suffering we supposedly feel after loss is some chemical reaction occurring in our brains. But, I've changed my mind since then, even with the knowledge of what actually happens. Having experienced the awful sensation myself, I have no better terminology for it than heartbreak - The initial feelings are a lot like what I picture death to be, at first; Filled with sorrow and longing for the life we used to know, then comes the numbness and pain, just when you think you've finally managed to cope, they sneak up behind you and drag you under again. But, you do get better, in time. It's a slow process, but it's possible.

I can tell myself a million times a day that it will get better, that I've done this before, that there will be someone else, but my efforts will be wasted because the truth is, I don't truly believe it. I suppose, the only thing left to do is wait, wait and hope, against all odds, that this is some kind of awful dream. That when you asked for time, you actually meant just a few weeks. But if that were the truth, why am I the only one you need time from? And why did you lie? Figured it'd make me feel better if I knew I wasn't the only one being cast away, left in the dark?I wish you'd just be honest.

I didn't even get a reason, a goodbye, nothing. I think that's what makes this all so difficult. At least with a goodbye, there's something to cling to, to remind us that it really is, over.

Time away from someone allows one to see things in a new light, and, more often than not that time away makes the decision to leave a lot easier, knowing you can bear it, that things will, in fact, be okay.

I don't want to do this again, but I haven't got a choice, now do I? That's the worst part, knowing there isn't a single thing you can do - Either hold on or let go, but their mind is made up.

Heartbreak warfare....

Timing is Everything

Often times it's not until the opportunity has long since come and gone that we're kicking ourselves in the ass for not taking it. As of late it's been a reoccurring theme in my life; I can't seem to make up my mind, that is until something has occurred to make the decision for me, and here I am left wondering, is this what I really wanted?  But it doesn't matter, does it? Because I am the world's worst decision maker and tend to sit back and let things play themselves out, having recently realized that more than 50% of the time I am not satisfied with the results. So why is it that, despite knowing this, I continue to do it? I mean, what's so difficult about a little risk every now and then? But that's exactly it, for some God awful reason I cannot bring myself to do a single thing, convinced it's 'better' to be safe than sorry. I'm really starting to understand this isn't the case for some things, though.

Contrary to the popular saying 'it's better to be safe than sorry' is another quote that is something along the lines of, it is better to have given something a try only to find out that it wouldn't or couldn't work out than to live the rest of your life wondering 'what if.' Thus, I'm beginning to reconsider my thought process. How many more missed opportunities will it take for me to just throw caution to the wind and forget about the consequences for the time being, because, in all actuality, I do know what I want a majority of the time, it's just that I'm too scared to go after it for fear that it'll turn out to be everything I've been waiting for. Makes sense, right? WRONG. The only thing that makes sense is that I talk a big game but take little initiative in going after what I really want; waiting for things to just magically fall into my lap. Wishful thinking.

In addition to my being the worst decision maker, I am also one of the most confusing individuals. One second I'm sure that, without a doubt, I don't want something, but as soon as I see someone else with it, my brain finally breaks free from this wall of lies that I've built up around it, telling me I'm an idiot. 

When it comes down to it, I need to stop lying to myself. So what if I look like a fool? At least I took a chance. I'd rather live life on the edge than spend my time taking up too much space with all of my worries.

Easier said than done, however. Everybody's gotta learn things on there own, I'm just hoping that in admitting my wrongs, I can make the right changes so that I'm not left wishing that was me.

Timing is everything.

Hooked

When we think addict, we think drugs, alcohol, even sex. When I think addict, I think each and every one of us. We're all addicted to something, because the reality of life is, addictions are so easy to form.

It begins with a habit - That Dunkin Donuts trip you make every morning for an iced coffee, that run you go on after class every day, even that television show you drop everything to watch at the same time every week. Pretty soon, those habits mold themselves into addictions, of sorts. They may not be the most common example of an addiction, but when one is addicted to something, the brain generally does the same thing.

You see, an addiction is simply a response, when we repeatedly do something in which the outcome is registered in our brain as rewarding. For example, the fact that without your iced coffee you feel sluggish, tired, cranky, or even a bit off, means that your brain as grown to associate that iced coffee, more particularly the time that you get it (if it is consistent every day), with feeling awake, alert, and happy. Anything we use to boost our mood can become an addiction, if we let it.

It's not to say this is a bad thing, I'm just simply educating those of you who are curious as to why caffeine and sugar can be considered addictions, as most people make the false assumption that an addiction has to be 'bad.'

The sad truth is, even people can be addicting, or rather, the feeling that they give us. If you've ever been in love - head over heels, do anything for this person, can't sleep at night when things aren't right between you kind of love - you know exactly what I'm talking about. This person is the fuel you use to drag yourself out of bed in morning; they are the driving force that makes you want to be a better you. Just knowing you get to see them later is all that you need to keep a smile on  your face. One argument and it seems as if your world is crumbling around you. Suddenly, all you want to do is crawl into bed and sleep because the reality of them being upset with you is more than you can bear.

I like to think of love as a unique kind of drug, one that has the ability to give us a thrilling, endless high, like we're weightless, floating above the rest of the world in a place where everything fits, operates perfectly, moves together like clockwork, smooth and peaceful, almost melodic. Then, in a matter of seconds, it's as if gravity has been turned back on without warning, sending us crashing back to Earth, bruised, and broken, any hope for happiness seemingly millions of miles away. Yet, we lust for it after it's gone even though it hurts. Even though every fiber of our being is telling us we're better off without it, our heart rules over all and we find ourselves seeking a replacement - We just want that feeling back. Much like a withdrawal, we're sick, bedridden, too tired and sad to do much of anything. We barely recognize ourselves anymore. If only they would come back.

That's beauty of life though, the pain never lasts. In time, our motivation will return to us and we will begin to go about our lives without feeling as if by force. Days will go by without shedding a single tear and soon enough, we'll start to notice they don't cross our minds nearly as much as they used to. We'll start to smile and laugh again, and we may even catch ourselves glancing at a fresh face, wondering if maybe, love could feel the same with them.

Addictions are so easy to form.

Knowledge Is Power

"My heart didn't break into a thousand pieces after he left. Instead, I realized all the things he didn't do. He didn't want to hear my stories. He didn't ask me questions. He didn't smile when I was talking to him. He didn't hug me out of the blue to make me feel good. His hugs were always a preamble to something else and after he was gone, I wondered if he ever knew me at all."


This quote only begins to touch upon the seriousness of this post. When I say that I pay attention to the little things, I'm in no sense, exaggerating. I may not remember how to find the circumference of the sun or the reason why some people are born with blue eyes even though both their parents have the genes for brown ones, but I can almost guarantee that if you were to tell me something about yourself, regardless of what it was, I'd probably be able to recall your exact words fifty years from now (given that my brain hasn't turned to mush by then). 


I've said it before, but just to reiterate, getting to know someone goes beyond idle chit-chat. You can be friends with someone since the fifth grade and still not know a single thing about them. You could be dating someone for five years and not know that they had a passion for art or that they wanted to be a doctor when they grew up but their parents didn't have the money for Medical school.


Unless you're me, you probably don't go around dishing out random facts about yourself, and that's probably because we're growing up in a world that has taught us that it's better to 'fit in' than stand out, yet we continue to encourage everyone to 'be themselves'. Thus, we keep our REAL hobbies and dreams to ourselves, for the most part, in fear that people will judge us or that we will come across as 'different' (God forbid).


I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, those of us who don't care much about other people's opinions have no problem voicing the fact that we enjoy books in which the main character struggles in some way, that we hate scary movies because they give us nightmares, that writing is something we're passionate about, and that peppermint gum makes us feel sick despite the popular belief that it is, in fact, supposed to ease the feeling of nausea. Although that may not seem like crucial information, the fact that some people I've been 'friends' with for years couldn't even tell you any of that, saddens me. Just because you can state the obvious: favorite color, family member's name, etc., doesn't mean that you truly KNOW a person.

It all comes down to your listening skills. Too often we prematurely label something as insignificant, and thus make it easily forgettable, banned to the back of our minds where it will reside until someone has reminded us for the fifth time, and are now extremely offended to have to tell us again, that they're allergic to chocolate. If we allowed ourselves to pay attention to people when they talk, we would learn a thing or two.


I know I've already posted about listening and how crucial it is, but I don't think people understand how much they miss when they choose to disregard the things that people bring up or point out in a conversation.


For example, I can't remember what movie it was, but this one scene immediately etched itself into my mind forever: the girlfriend was being pursued by this other guy, even though she already had a boyfriend. The boyfriend was some popular douche bag jock who didn't know a thing about her. The other boy proved this point to her by telling her the scent/flavor of her favorite chewing gum, something she later brings up to her boyfriend who can't tell her what it is to save his life and then dismisses it as something that 'doesn't matter.' The point being that it may not be the most important piece of information in the world, but the fact that this boy, whom she had never paid much attention to, could tell her more about herself than her boyfriend, whom she spent endless amount of time with, made her wonder who truly cared more for her.


It makes me wonder how many of the people I've dated actually knew me at all, or just pretended to out of fear that I'd hand them a pop quiz and dump them if they failed...


I don't expect people to remember literally every little thing that comes out of my mouth, because, let's face it, that'd be impossible. I do expect that those I consider myself close to remember the things I tell them, like the fact that I write, or that, until recently I was deathly afraid of heights, that I'd do anything to be able to sing, that I don't believe in marriage (and why I feel this way), or even the reason why I cannot stand goats. 


My point being, please, just listen.

Kick It

I came across this post I had written three years ago, and decided, I still like it...

Have you ever wondered how people do it? How people manage to put out their cigarettes, or put down that bottle, and simply walk away? I have. My whole life, which is a whopping twenty years, I've been astounded by the strength these people have. I'm not justifying their behavior, I'm well aware they fell into that black hole all on their own, however, what we tend to overlook is how much it takes out of someone to be able to lift themselves back out of said hole. Let me try to put it into perspective for you: Let's say you have a routine, you get up, maybe you shower, maybe you eat breakfast, whatever you do, it's probably not something you think about, you just do; it's second nature. That, my friend, is called a habit, and although your habit may not be threatening to your life, it's still something you'd notice if you didn't do it. It's similar to those who roll out of bed and stick a needle in their arm; it's how they get through their day. Similar to those of you who may need a steaming hot cup of coffee to wake you up before work. It's the same thing, you're just lucky enough to have found something socially acceptable, where as they have not.

So now that I've got you thinking, consider this. What if you were to have an addiction so bad that if you do not start and end your day in a drunken stupor or a thrilling high, you feel empty? What if, every time you took out a razor, rolled a joint, or took a swig from a bottle, you didn't think about what you were doing? You couldn't think about what you were doing, because deep down you know it's hurting someone other than yourself, whether it be your family, your friends, your son or daughter; whomever it is, you know you're letting them down. But what if this was all you had, what if, despite all those people who love you, this was all that could make you feel alive? This was all you had to drag you through one day after another; the fuel that kept you going...

Tell me now, do you feel redemption for these people? I do. Yes, what they're doing is wrong, what they're doing isn't a way out, isn't a right answer, isn't this and isn't that, but instead of trying to scold them, to point out their wrongs, shouldn't we try and help them? They're people too; they're people in danger at that. And weren't we taught, since we were young, that helping people is good? It shouldn't matter what someone needs help with, one should be willing to do so regardless.

I know I am.

So take a second, and think. I'm sure you know someone, someone you care about, who has a problem. And if you don't, you're the luckiest human being in the whole world and you should be beyond thankful for not having to watch them suffer day in and day out.

But, to those of you who do know someone, just think of the last time you tried to help them. I'm not talking about getting them help, they won't listen to you. They won't listen to you yelling, or you telling them how disappointed they've made you; they've learned to be numb to words such as those. No, instead think of the last time you told them you loved them, told them you cared, told them you were there for them, told them they're not a sorry excuse of a person, a failure, etc.

Really think, because if you don't, it's as if you're allowing them to do this. It's as if you're willingly letting them take minutes, hours, days, off their lives, simply because you're too 'proud' to let them know you care.

Put your pride aside, please. Don't make the mistake I did. Please, help those you love. Don't let them go, ever. You can be angry at them, you can resent them for what they've done, but please don't ever cut ties, don’t ever walk out on them. They know they're hurting you, but they need to know you care, they need it. They need it much more than you need to prove a point.

Don't let them go, because you will lose them. That's a promise I'm willing to make.

The pressure to be perfect

I look better, and by better I mean I look much more like myself, when I don't cake on make-up; plastering my eyelids with neon colors and pretending I just stepped off some Caribbean cruise with my, obviously fake, bronzed skin.

As of recent I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be fully satisfied with the way I look, not until I face reality, that is. There will always be girls who are prettier, thinner, tanner, and seemingly happier than me. But that doesn't mean that I'm hideous, fat, or depressed. In fact, until recently I hadn't realized how much happier I am when I don't put so much effort into my appearance. I tend to look  my 'best' when my outfit is thrown together at the last minute, my hair's still kind of wet from the shower, there's only trace of liner on my eyes, and some color dusted onto my cheeks.

I always laughed at the idea of being 'pretty' without make up. After all, they invented it for a reason, didn't they? But it's true. People have either disregarded or entirely forgotten the phrase a little goes a long way, instead choosing to resemble some airbrushed Barbie doll.

I'm not the first to admit that I've always been self-conscious, taking every negative comment, regarding my looks, to heart. Spending hours in front of a mirror trying to 'perfect' myself; making sure every strand of hair  fell perfectly in place, every eyelash was curled, every blemish hidden under layers of make up that usually didn't even come close to my actual skin tone...And all for what?

Certainly not to please some boy; they hardly ever notice your makeup. And if they do, it's probably because you're wearing too much. Let's face it, girls get ready for each other, whether anyone else will admit it or not. At the end of the day, a boy is more concerned with your clothes spending the night on their bedroom floor. It's girls that pass judgement if your dress it 'too tight' or your not having the best hair day. That's what we do, we pick at things, all the little imperfections. We hold magnifying glasses over one another in hopes to make ourselves feel a little better.

We all have insecurities.

So, what good does all the judging really do? There is not a single thing we actually gain from putting others down. Any confidence we feel after insulting someone is short-lived, made up, all in our heads. When you pick on others, you honestly just look like an complete asshole...

We are who we are, and the sooner we learn to embrace our flaws, along with everyone else's, the happier we'll be. There is no such thing as perfection. Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Just because someone doesn't dress like you or style their hair like you, doesn't mean they're not beautiful.

So ladies, next time you want to complain about how you're not getting the respect you 'deserve' consider this: it's probably because you've spent the last twenty minutes giving every girl in the bar the up-down and gossiping with your friends.

The second we start to accept one another the better off we'll be. I'm definitely not innocent when it comes to talking shit, especially when the green monster decides to rear it's ugly head because some girl looks wayyyyy better in the dress I tried on earlier today. It's not going to make me any prettier. So instead of criticizing her, I'm going to start telling the truth. If something looks good on someone, I'm going to tell them, and I'm going to mean it. A genuine compliment goes a long way, remember that.

I could go on forever about all of the things I don't like about myself, but it won't make them disappear. Besides, I find that to be truly happy with someone, I don't want to have to put on some act, pretending to be someone I'm not, always feeling the need to be dolled up. I want someone who still thinks I'm beautiful when I'm sporting sweat pants and have yet to shower.

The pressure to be perfect only exists when we give into it. Don't let anyone tell  you that you're not good enough just the way you are, because they're wrong. 

Rock what you've got <3

Run

I'm not training for any marathons. I'm not doing it to lose weight, although I've noticed some areas of my body starting to become toned and defined. I don't do it for the exercise, although I will admit that I'm seriously out of shape. I run because it helps.

It helps me think, like the fog of every day stress and bullshit (pardon my language) of life is being lifted, if only briefly, giving me a chance to see things clearly or at least in a different light. It helps me let go of things like anger and frustration. It allows for me to put all that negative energy into each and every step so that by the time I'm finished, too tired to go another inch, I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

My mind is always so crowded, thoughts constantly pushing and shoving one another in order to get to the front of the line, so to speak. My mind never rests. Running gives me that option. I can think, or I can choose to turn up the volume on my iPod with my only thought being, 'just breathe.'

You don't realize how much you think until you aren't thinking, or thinking less than usual that is, because, let's be honest, there is never really a time in our lives where we're not thinking about anything at all. It's humanly impossible. But for you to understand my thought process, while I'm running it's as if I have the power to hit that non-existent switch in my brain labeled 'thoughts' from on to off, for just a few minutes.

I run because it feels good. Not during the run, no, I will admit that part sucks. I'm out of breath, my shins are killing me (I've got shin splints to thank for that), I'm sweating (obviously), and my hair's usually stuck to my face. But the second my heart rate manages to slow itself, I feel ten times better than I did when I started my run. I'm happy.

I'm proud, too. Because for once in my life I am able to discipline myself.

To be honest, I actually really dislike running. It takes all my willpower to slip on my shoes, grab my iPod, and head out the door. I could easily tell myself I'll go tomorrow, I'm too tired, etc. But I don't. And that means I'm that much closer to having control of my life again. No words can describe how good that feels.

By control I mean having the ability to make decisions that although they may not benefit me at the moment, they're doing wonders for me in the long run. The fact that I am able to motivate myself to go every day means that I have regained the ability and understanding that nothing worth having in life comes easily and that hard work, perseverance, and a little sweat, make the outcome so much sweeter.

I run because at the end of the day, I know that I've got nothing to lose (aside from my breath and a few places that were beginning to look a little flabby to be completely honest, although I will stand by my previous argument that this is not about losing weight, it is another perk), and so much more to gain from it.