Heartbreak Warfare

There comes a time when you begin to understand that the only sensible thing left to do is leave. I thought I had made that realization months ago, but I never really paid for the loss, because although I didn't see it then, in my heart I knew that it wasn't really over, not this time.

Now, I'm paying for it dearly. I never thought I'd feel like this again. The worst part is the unpredictable cycle of numbness and pain - I'd  like to think I prefer one over the other, but to be honest, it's hard to bear either.

All my careful stitching made over the years, patching up old wounds, thought to be healed over, nothing but pale pink scars, are now bursting at the seams as my poor heart aches for something, someone, that I will never be able to call mine again. I used to chuckle at those who claimed to be heartbroken, thinking to myself, what a ridiculous thing to say - You're heart cannot break without resulting in your death, in fact, love and loss have very little affect on the heart, the pain and suffering we supposedly feel after loss is some chemical reaction occurring in our brains. But, I've changed my mind since then, even with the knowledge of what actually happens. Having experienced the awful sensation myself, I have no better terminology for it than heartbreak - The initial feelings are a lot like what I picture death to be, at first; Filled with sorrow and longing for the life we used to know, then comes the numbness and pain, just when you think you've finally managed to cope, they sneak up behind you and drag you under again. But, you do get better, in time. It's a slow process, but it's possible.

I can tell myself a million times a day that it will get better, that I've done this before, that there will be someone else, but my efforts will be wasted because the truth is, I don't truly believe it. I suppose, the only thing left to do is wait, wait and hope, against all odds, that this is some kind of awful dream. That when you asked for time, you actually meant just a few weeks. But if that were the truth, why am I the only one you need time from? And why did you lie? Figured it'd make me feel better if I knew I wasn't the only one being cast away, left in the dark?I wish you'd just be honest.

I didn't even get a reason, a goodbye, nothing. I think that's what makes this all so difficult. At least with a goodbye, there's something to cling to, to remind us that it really is, over.

Time away from someone allows one to see things in a new light, and, more often than not that time away makes the decision to leave a lot easier, knowing you can bear it, that things will, in fact, be okay.

I don't want to do this again, but I haven't got a choice, now do I? That's the worst part, knowing there isn't a single thing you can do - Either hold on or let go, but their mind is made up.

Heartbreak warfare....

Timing is Everything

Often times it's not until the opportunity has long since come and gone that we're kicking ourselves in the ass for not taking it. As of late it's been a reoccurring theme in my life; I can't seem to make up my mind, that is until something has occurred to make the decision for me, and here I am left wondering, is this what I really wanted?  But it doesn't matter, does it? Because I am the world's worst decision maker and tend to sit back and let things play themselves out, having recently realized that more than 50% of the time I am not satisfied with the results. So why is it that, despite knowing this, I continue to do it? I mean, what's so difficult about a little risk every now and then? But that's exactly it, for some God awful reason I cannot bring myself to do a single thing, convinced it's 'better' to be safe than sorry. I'm really starting to understand this isn't the case for some things, though.

Contrary to the popular saying 'it's better to be safe than sorry' is another quote that is something along the lines of, it is better to have given something a try only to find out that it wouldn't or couldn't work out than to live the rest of your life wondering 'what if.' Thus, I'm beginning to reconsider my thought process. How many more missed opportunities will it take for me to just throw caution to the wind and forget about the consequences for the time being, because, in all actuality, I do know what I want a majority of the time, it's just that I'm too scared to go after it for fear that it'll turn out to be everything I've been waiting for. Makes sense, right? WRONG. The only thing that makes sense is that I talk a big game but take little initiative in going after what I really want; waiting for things to just magically fall into my lap. Wishful thinking.

In addition to my being the worst decision maker, I am also one of the most confusing individuals. One second I'm sure that, without a doubt, I don't want something, but as soon as I see someone else with it, my brain finally breaks free from this wall of lies that I've built up around it, telling me I'm an idiot. 

When it comes down to it, I need to stop lying to myself. So what if I look like a fool? At least I took a chance. I'd rather live life on the edge than spend my time taking up too much space with all of my worries.

Easier said than done, however. Everybody's gotta learn things on there own, I'm just hoping that in admitting my wrongs, I can make the right changes so that I'm not left wishing that was me.

Timing is everything.